I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
