A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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