you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You need Xanax blowdarts
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
