its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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