Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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