I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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