We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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