too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
