Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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