If you die in college, do you die in real life?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
