I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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