just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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