dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
