Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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