I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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