Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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