I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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