yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
