so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
