I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
