Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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