i just google imaged poop.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
