i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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