For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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