walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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