Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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