I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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