I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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