Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
