Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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