You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
