Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
