Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
