don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
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He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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