life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
