Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
