I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I want to make a zoo with you.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize