I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
