Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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