Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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