I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
