I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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