I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
