Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
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All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize