she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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