TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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