Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
