My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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