Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
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My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
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I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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