can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
