I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
