Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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