her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
