too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
soo... how was my night?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
